Birthday Bila, I love you with all my heart and I miss you even though I don't say it out loud, and days may past where I don't think about you, but I have never forgotten about you and nor will I ever.

I have the best Idea I would love to share with someone or do with someone as like a tradition. Like best friends do. Something that only two close people do together...but I feel like I have no one to share it with.

I would love to send random postcards to random house saying my secrets. How I really feel.
"I feel like I could be such a great friend...but no one sees it" I would send random houses all these secrets I have. NO return address of course.

Who to share it with now? Even house numbers I see in different states.
I would love to do it.

I never thought the day would come when someone would finally ask me.
Someone would be the one to initiate it, not me.
I didn't start anything this time, I wasn't the one that composed that new e-mail, or started that
new message, or dialed your number. I wasn't the one who said hello to you in the hall way, smiled at you,
greeted you, laughed at your joke, asked to hangout.
Though I lie, you haven't done the rest, only the first two.
I felt bad today.
I thought I liked my lunches and I had someone to sit with and somewhat talk to but I've been
counting the days, the lunches that I don't talk to anyone.
That I pretend to study or have something important to do.
Avoid their searching eyes and ignore their stupid conversations.
Pretend I have an important errand to attend to and then wander around.
This was day number 3.
This time I knew you.
You knew me.
You sat away from me didn't say hi, you knew I was there, never turned to me, didn't talk to me.
Though we ate lunch a week ago I feel like I shouldn't say how I felt because of this nice this you did,
but that doesn't count, if I don't show how I feel how will you ever know?
So when you asked where are you going, I had the right to say Somewhere else with a smirk and attitude.
Obviously I'm going somewhere else where I'm wanted and I feel comfortable, computer lab. Near a computer.
I couldn't blog in the library though.
Everyone would know then, they would all see.

I find it more strange that I really wanted someone to talk to and as I open up my locker a hear a vibrate.
"how are you?"
Really? Actually i'm kinda shitty, who is this?
Oh that's who it is. You. Now I have people who want me again.
You from so long ago.
I wish it were someone who wanted me that I wanted back.
But who do I want?
I don't see what I want, yet you want me?
As if that weren't surprising enough.
I check my e-mail and the one person who never uses the computer sends me an e-mail.
Hey what's up how are you doing?
Do you all know that I feel like crap and I try to hope that something will release me?
You, who I last saw over 4 years ago?
What's going on?

I can't understand Shakespeare but I find myself starting to write like him.
I think I understand.
If you understood too, you would know it's much more potent.

I feel angry. I'm going to leave soon for the play.
Why do I always stare at your when I don't even know you? I'm not even sure I like you?
If you were to say you liked me I wouldn't know what to say?
You aren't exactly what I'm looking for.
Is it because it's the first time I've seen guys in a while?
I can't anymore though.
I wouldn't want to hurt your fantasy.
I don't want you to feel the way I do so I'll hide it, if it was ever there.
I left angrily yesterday because I was hoping someone would come over and acknowledge me.
Someone would say hello, someone would start a conversation with me.
They didn't. It's not like the shows.
The shows wreck me.
You give me this fantasy I want, and when I don't see it in front of my eyes I get torn
apart.
I hate that feelings, it makes me hopeless, makes me want to give up for good.