Breathless's Lovelyish

Happy

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:53:54 GMT

Birthday Bila, I love you with all my heart and I miss you even though I don't say it out loud, and days may past where I don't think about you, but I have never forgotten about you and nor will I ever.

Haha.

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 23:59:46 GMT

After i fill out my heart and actually want to tell someone how I feel what I'm so mad about right not you give me the message "Something went wrong"
FUCK yea something went wrong facebook you fucked up that's what and my lifes a fuckup. I'm not sending that damn message anymore if you don't have the capacity to take on a 1200 word essay bitch.

My mom said it's supposed to start snowing today.
And then my dumbass brother said I have to go to school anyways like he's my father or something.
He is beyond pissing me off right now.

I was staying after school today to finish my painting and he started a useless argument on some small thing which exploded into where was I that I got home so late for? It's not like he was even here when I got home. He was brainwashing my mom into thinking I wasn't staying at school and that she trusts me too much and I have ulterior motives or something.
I hate him.

And worst part is that he insults me all the time even when I point out to him in a composed way not to treat me like that and that hes mean and should stop calling me a fucking retard or and idiot or dumbass. He's so rude. He always needs to think he's right and prove that his is through baseless and stupid arguments that he thinks he wins. He said that I wasn't staying after school and I was doing something else because I told him it was none of his business when he asked me, because it really isn't. I hate when he asks me and I act secreative about it to 1. Watch how he tries to transform my situation into me doing something I'm not supposed to when I'm really not doing anything bad and 2. Prove him wrong. He went through this long process in front of my mom brainwashing her and saying you don't know what she was doing. All she said was that she was after school how can you believe that? And then she said "I'll call the school to confirm" That right there is such a slap to the face! She always believes him, he brainwashes her all the time and always suspects down below that I'm lying. Her need to go and confirm that I was at school shows that she doubts that I wasn't there at all. So SHE DOES agree with him when I REALLY was working hard on my painting after school and I ALWAYS tell her when I go out always! my stupid brother always has to act like I don't do what I say and I'm the worst or something. he isn't family or brother quality. He doesn't even respect me or act like he has any concern for me at all. He verbally assaults me all the time and always acts like I'm the dumb one who is so inferior and needs educating because I'm too dumb to understand anything.

Part of the reasons I want to leave for college I can't stand his outbursts and damn attitude. He has the worst attitude ever. And he doesn't understand that he's part of the reason that gets me depressed he's part of the reason that makes me not even want to be here and he doesn't notice it at all, he doesn't notice the hurt he puts on other people.
AND WORST of all my damn touchpad on my laptop is broken.

Love

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 04:26:02 GMT

I have the best Idea I would love to share with someone or do with someone as like a tradition. Like best friends do. Something that only two close people do together...but I feel like I have no one to share it with.

I would love to send random postcards to random house saying my secrets. How I really feel.
"I feel like I could be such a great friend...but no one sees it" I would send random houses all these secrets I have. NO return address of course.

Who to share it with now? Even house numbers I see in different states.
I would love to do it.

FIGHTING FOODONS!

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:44:33 GMT

FOUND IT FUCKING FOUND IT.
FIGHTING FOODONS.

Never thought.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:01:08 GMT

I never thought the day would come when someone would finally ask me.
Someone would be the one to initiate it, not me.
I didn't start anything this time, I wasn't the one that composed that new e-mail, or started that
new message, or dialed your number. I wasn't the one who said hello to you in the hall way, smiled at you,
greeted you, laughed at your joke, asked to hangout.
Though I lie, you haven't done the rest, only the first two.
I felt bad today.
I thought I liked my lunches and I had someone to sit with and somewhat talk to but I've been
counting the days, the lunches that I don't talk to anyone.
That I pretend to study or have something important to do.
Avoid their searching eyes and ignore their stupid conversations.
Pretend I have an important errand to attend to and then wander around.
This was day number 3.
This time I knew you.
You knew me.
You sat away from me didn't say hi, you knew I was there, never turned to me, didn't talk to me.
Though we ate lunch a week ago I feel like I shouldn't say how I felt because of this nice this you did,
but that doesn't count, if I don't show how I feel how will you ever know?
So when you asked where are you going, I had the right to say Somewhere else with a smirk and attitude.
Obviously I'm going somewhere else where I'm wanted and I feel comfortable, computer lab. Near a computer.
I couldn't blog in the library though.
Everyone would know then, they would all see.

I find it more strange that I really wanted someone to talk to and as I open up my locker a hear a vibrate.
"how are you?"
Really? Actually i'm kinda shitty, who is this?
Oh that's who it is. You. Now I have people who want me again.
You from so long ago.
I wish it were someone who wanted me that I wanted back.
But who do I want?
I don't see what I want, yet you want me?
As if that weren't surprising enough.
I check my e-mail and the one person who never uses the computer sends me an e-mail.
Hey what's up how are you doing?
Do you all know that I feel like crap and I try to hope that something will release me?
You, who I last saw over 4 years ago?
What's going on?

I can't understand Shakespeare but I find myself starting to write like him.
I think I understand.
If you understood too, you would know it's much more potent.

I feel angry. I'm going to leave soon for the play.
Why do I always stare at your when I don't even know you? I'm not even sure I like you?
If you were to say you liked me I wouldn't know what to say?
You aren't exactly what I'm looking for.
Is it because it's the first time I've seen guys in a while?
I can't anymore though.
I wouldn't want to hurt your fantasy.
I don't want you to feel the way I do so I'll hide it, if it was ever there.
I left angrily yesterday because I was hoping someone would come over and acknowledge me.
Someone would say hello, someone would start a conversation with me.
They didn't. It's not like the shows.
The shows wreck me.
You give me this fantasy I want, and when I don't see it in front of my eyes I get torn
apart.
I hate that feelings, it makes me hopeless, makes me want to give up for good.

If you could see into my soul

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:08:47 GMT

All it takes is acknowledgement to rid myself of it.
[yes just a how are you lighten my day up, thank you]
And all it takes is an argument to bring it back again.
[It's not like I mean to hurt your feelings,
I just mean it as a joke to laugh about it.
When you make it out to be far more serious and your
voice raises in anger. You really make me angry too then.
You make my voice rise, my feelings throb, and the feeling
of destruction return.
You make me want to hurt myself.]

You don't really see how much I am on a borderline.